Lost in the City

I’m writing a Memoir to my son….this is an excerpt…

merciless city

It was a Friday,
just one week after my son’s passing,
and we were unable to find
the Master of the High Court,
the purveyor of closure.
Ghastly paperwork was needed.
to untangle
some of
the nightmare we were living..

I found myself standing outside a trendy Coffee Shop,
somewhere in the City,
in the blazing hot sun,
bedraggled,
afraid of a future without my youngest son,
trying to fathom out where I was
and how I got there.

Right in front of me,
sitting at the alfresco Coffee Bar
were about a dozen young guys,
drinking coffee and laughing,
living life the way it is supposed to be lived…

and this was me, a broken-hearted Mother,
whose son had just died,
reeling,
spinning out of control,
hardly able to keep it together,
sobbing in the street,
tears gushing forth unashamedly,
my grief too severe to care who was watching!

In that moment
all I wanted was to shout out,
“I just lost my son, and there you are, carrying on like nothing happened,
shouldn’t the World have stopped moving,
fallen off its axis,
or at the very least been a little gentler with me today?”
What would they have thought,
would they have taken a moment
to care?
Or was this just another day in the City,
a desperate woman
ranting in the hot sun,
being hooted at by passing traffic!

A City where suffering lurks on every corner,
sometimes wrapped up in a bottle of booze.

The Staff at the Coffee Shop asked my eldest son what was wrong,
and he told them about his brother.
I saw their eyes fill with intense pity
and it washed over me like a channeled kind of healing.
It was a knowing,
that somehow they understood.
There were no words,
no condolences,
just a silent gesture
a wave to sit down
and drink my coffee,
all would be okay…

 

Epic Tininess

Day Nine……http://www.napowrimo.net/
Write a poem in which something big and something small come together.

“The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are.”― Rumi

a universe

Once there was a little girl, living in a bijou world,
when all of a sudden
strange events occurred,
something weird in the household stirred.
Curious happenings,
she was not alone,
a rendezvous with
the unknown.
From the loneliness of her small place,
this doll’s house
that time erased.

A secret guide from celestial lights,
unveiled to her,
gargantuan heights.

In micro gardens of trivial dreams,
from miniature thoughts, where silence screams,
she looked up at the faraway stars,
and the vastness
dissolved her scars,
of being alone in a friendless world,
this teeny Earthling
saw the expanse unfurl!

Aware of the immensity of time,
the cosmos shifted
her paradigm,
light became bigger than forever,
atomic tunes hummed together.

The tiniest speck,
on the wide expanse,
an epic universe in her hands,
substantial realms opened her mind,
explaining mysteries of the great design.

The promise was
that if she believed,
realms would open where she received,
the joy of never being alone,
the whole universe was her home.

Fearlessly,
she realized,
a boundless universe was inside.

This miniature girl with flimsy dreams,
existing together with the great unseen….

©AllysoAlly2018
Image courtesy of PixaBay

poetry month

Wordy Wednesday

The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
― Pink Floyd

dont call me bitch

when i was a child you said some words,
now i know,
it seems absurd,
but on that day,
i changed forever
perhaps i should’ve just said
“whatever”!
but i let it grow into my bones,
those words stung
when i was alone,
you never knew the harm you did,
i was just a defenceless kid!

but i grew to believe those words,
a thing you shouldn’t
say to girls,
and now i am grown,
what can i say,
in remembrance of that hurtful day.
I’ll shout it out….
“I’m not a bitch!”
even scream it
at fever pitch!

i remember the trees crumpled in shame,
when you called me,
disparaging names!
forgiveness has always been my quest,
but never say,
those words
in jest…..

 

Keep showing up….

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
― Brené Brown

aspect serene

From quagmires of pity, I will emerge,
silent revelations,
petitions are heard.

A wretched exile,
on uninhabitable shores,
forsaken locations,
may my soul be restored!

Can I brave the affliction
that has submerged my being,
and find other directions, with authentic meaning?

They say I have courage,
but I feel
somewhat weak,
on dark and dismal days,
I’m overwhelmed and bleak!

When I can’t see
the wood,
for the majestic trees,
I surrender my fears,
and fall to my knees

I will keep showing up and let myself be seen,
in transformed aspects
of endowments serene…

©AllysoAlly2018

I’m Human

“We are star stuff harvesting sunlight.”
Carl Sagan

I'm human
I’ve known a place where lies
were born and lived
in deep remembrance.
It was a place too fearful for expression.
It required perfection,
it demanded falsehood.
Looking good was more
important than being human.
It was a place of hypocrisy
and truth was buried in deceitful graves.

I ran from that place
and found my own vulnerability,
my own dark cave of humiliation.
Pretence had weighed too heavy
and had eaten me alive.
I grew to know my imperfection.
I was flawed beyond reason.
I lived like a death row inmate
waiting to end the misery
of my defective identity.
Perhaps I did die
to that false self
to those destructive beliefs
because
now
I’m in love with truth
I celebrate imperfection
I embrace vulnerability.
I think
I’m actually
human!

©2017

Infatuation

infatuation
Secretly, she knew
that he wasn’t good for her!
In a moment,
in the blink of an eye,
on the first encounter
she knew!
Deep in her psyche,
inside her substance
she felt apprehension.
But she ignored
the warnings,
she quieted the small voice,
the voice of reason.
She wanted him,
she ached for love.
She wanted to prove
somehow,
that she was lovable.
How foolish she was,
how idiotic
to believe at nineteen
that he was her last chance
for love!

They cautioned her about him,
her friends,
acquaintances.
She saw the look
in her family’s eyes,
she saw their concern,
their dismay.
Some said
he was a womanizer.
She didn’t want to believe them.
She imagined,
even fantasized
that her love could change him,
and make him a better person!

In the beginning
he pursued her
like a valuable treasure.
He was attentive
charming
and kind.
He showered her with adoration,
but his charm
deceived her.

She lived in a make-believe world,
ever hoping
that he could change.
Intoxicated by infatuation,
beguiled by his charm.
She was mesmerized,
as though he had done some incantation
to trap her!

His fondness for her
faded quickly,
after their wedding day.
He threw her aside
like an unwanted thing!
She was no longer
the object of his affection.
His aloofness
wounded her,
damaged her.
“How could life be so cruel?”
she thought.

Her dedication to him
was meaningless,
disposable!
He flaunted his women before her.
Her allegiance
slowly,
knowingly
started to fade,
and eventually
disintegrated.
The abandonment became too heavy.
She knew
she needed to escape
the torment.

“Could this really be love”
she wondered,
when they finally parted ways.
His vanity and philandering
had destroyed
what little trust she had.
The marriage she had hoped to save,
and fought so hard for,
crumbled,
and
died!

©2017